“We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.” - Stephen M.R. Covey

In the silent hallways of our minds, we often believe that our intentions echo clearly. We presume that our heartfelt messages, especially during moments of vulnerability like consoling someone in grief, will be received just as we mean them. Yet, how often have we paused to think about the potential gap between intention and perception?

Have you ever approached a situation with the purest of intentions, only to realize that the message you conveyed wasn't the one that was received? For me, I see this play out in the simplest interactions with my children all the time. Just the other day, in a hurried attempt to move on to some fun activities, I asked my son to change his clothes. His response caught me off guard: "Are you mad at me?" It dawned on me how my tone, perhaps unintentionally stern, had shaped his perception.

This delicate balance between intention and perception extends beyond the realm of parenthood. It becomes especially intricate and sensitive when we're trying to support someone navigating the waters of grief.

The Good Intent Paradox

I truly believe most of us are inherently good-hearted. We genuinely want to provide comfort, share a word of consolation, or simply be there for someone who's hurting. But, no matter how pure our intentions might be, sometimes our actions, words, or even our presence can be misconstrued, leading to unintended hurt or misunderstandings.

Perception: The Other Side of the Coin

Why does this happen? Well there are many reasons.. One of them is that grief, like many other profound emotions, is deeply personal. Each individual's grief journey is as unique as their fingerprint. What comforts one person might trigger another. When intentions, no matter how well-meant, don't align with the grieving individual's current emotional state, perception can skew.

The Power of Active Listening

One of the most powerful tools at our disposal is active listening. Instead of trying to fill the silence with words, sometimes the most comforting thing you can do is to just be present and listen. Let them lead the conversation. If they want to talk about their loved one, listen. If they want to discuss something else entirely, follow their lead.Embrace the tears as naturally as the laughter; every emotion is valid and real. Resist the urge to judge, to fill silences, or to assert your presence. Sometimes, simply being there, genuinely and without pretense, offers more solace than any words ever could.

Open-Ended Support

Phrases like "I'm here for you" or "Let me know if you need anything" are often used with the best intentions. But especially, for someone in grief, these open-ended statements can be overwhelming. When I was in deep mourning of my daughter, I had no clue what to do with these open phrases, they were pointless.. Instead, be specific. "Can I bring you dinner tomorrow?" or "Would you like to go for a walk this weekend?" these questions are more actionable and comforting.

Avoiding the 'At least...' Trap

It's natural to want to find a silver lining or offer a perspective that might provide comfort. However, starting a sentence with "At least..." can inadvertently minimize the person's feelings. Instead, acknowledge their pain and let them know you're there to support them in whatever way they need, by being present.

Seek Feedback and Be Adaptable

It's okay to ask for feedback. Phrases like "Is this helping?" or "Would you prefer if we did something different?" It might requires a level of courage, but it will show that you're actively trying to understand and adapt to their needs. 

Closing Thoughts

In a world filled with well-meaning intentions, it's essential to bridge the gap between what we mean and how it's perceived, especially in sensitive situations. This requires self-awareness, patience, and an understanding that our role is not to fix or mend, but to support and be present. Grief, after all, is not a problem to be solved, but a human experience to be navigated—with empathy and love.

Remember: Your intention might be the seed, but perception will always be the garden in which it grows. Nurture it with understanding, patience, and genuine care.