Grief—an emotion universally experienced yet uniquely processed by each of us. It's particularly complex in children, and this complexity has touched my life in profound ways. As a child, I experienced deep grief. As a mother even worse, but now at the same time I'm also helping my daughter navigate her own journey through loss. This subject is not just close to my heart—it is part of my heart.

In this blog post, I aim to bring together research, expert insights, and my personal experiences to help demystify the complicated world of childhood grief. My hope is to provide parents, caregivers, and educators with a deeper understanding that will allow them to better support children who are dealing with loss.

Understanding Grief in Children: A Journey Shared

Loss, like love, is an experience shared by all humanity. For children, however, the world of grief can be overwhelming. It's often misunderstood, minimized, or even dismissed, based on the assumption that children are simply too young to comprehend the finality of death. But children are keen observers and deeply sensitive to the impact of loss, often in ways that we as adults may not fully understand or expect.

According to a study published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 1 in 14 children in the U.S will lose a parent or sibling before they turn 18. This significant figure underscores the importance of understanding and addressing grief in children.

How Children's Grief Differs from Adults

Children's experiences of grief are quite different from those of adults:

Understanding of Death: Children's comprehension of death evolves with their cognitive development. Very young children often view death as a reversible event. This belief can lead to recurring experiences of loss when the reality of the person’s absence doesn’t change. By around the age of 10, children generally develop an adult-like understanding of death. However, this does not mean they can cope with it like adults do.

Expression of Grief: Children may not express their grief openly or talk about their feelings in the way adults do. Instead, their grief may manifest through changes in behavior, such as becoming clingier or regressing in previously mastered developmental milestones.

Episodic Grief: Children’s grief can be episodic. They may switch between moments of intense grieving and normal play in a way that adults might find hard to understand. This oscillation can be a coping mechanism and is a normal part of the process for children.

From My Personal Journey Through Grief

In the wake of losing my youngest daughter, I noticed that my older daughter began to focus intently on my wellbeing rather than showing her own. It was as though she was following my example without even knowing it. From my own childhood experience of grief, I had learned to suffer in silence.

As a seven-year-old, I lost two people who were very dear to me. While others may not have understood the depth of my grief given that they weren't close relatives—one was a distant aunt in her 90s who lived in the U.S. and the other was our tenant—it affected me profoundly. I was heartbroken, but I felt that my circumstances did not warrant such an intense expression of grief, so I started to hide it. I held my grief so closely that eventually, I stopped crying altogether.

But now, as a mother, I could see the impact of suppressed grief on my daughter. It was time to let down my guard. Sharing my grief with her and showing her that it’s natural and necessary was a pivotal point in our grieving process.

By sharing my grief with my daughter and explaining to her that it is natural and not a bad thing, I aloud her to do the same.

Helping a Grieving Child

With this understanding of how children grieve, it's crucial to consider how we can help them navigate this challenging process.

My personal journey with grief, both as a child and as a mother, has taught me valuable lessons about supporting grieving children:

Open Communication: Using simple and direct language when discussing death can prevent confusion that can make the grieving process even more challenging for children.

Avoid euphemisms that can confuse a child (like "gone to sleep" or "lost").

Emotional Validation: It's important to reassure children that it’s okay to express their feelings—whatever those feelings may be, whether it's sadness, anger, or even relief.

Routine and Consistency: Maintaining regular routines provides a sense of security and normalcy, which is particularly important during times of upheaval.

Memory Keeping: Encourage activities that help keep the memory of the person they've lost alive. This can be an important part of the grieving process for children.

Professional Help: Seek professional help if a child's reaction to grief seems prolonged or significantly disrupts their life. We are still working continuously on guiding our daughter in her grief, but I still believe it is important to get outside help. It is not possible for her to fully open to us because she will always feel a need to protect us. Kids need a safe space where they can share honestly with the fear of judgement or repercussions. And after more than 5 years of pleading I’m happy to say we finally got her in trauma coaching.

In understanding grief in children, we take a significant step towards helping them navigate their loss. By offering them informed and compassionate support, we can help them process their grief and foster resilience and hope. My personal journey of grief is ongoing, and it's my hope that my experiences can help others on their own paths through loss.

(Note: While this blog aims to provide general understanding and personal insights, please reach out to a mental health professional for personalized advice if you're concerned about a child's reaction to grief.)